HRendous Week

I LOVE the TV show “The Office.” I could watch that show all day every day. There are some things that happen on the show that are a real testament to what it’s like to work in an office, but there are also some things that occur that just would NEVER be allowed to happen in my HR world (mostly the antics of Michael and Dwight). For those of you who are foolish and are not watching this show, the idea behind it is that a documentary film crew is around at all times capturing the action and frequently the office employees talk one on one to the camera to express their secret thoughts and feelings. Today I am making this blog my own personal documentary camera crew so I can share with you my secret thoughts and feelings about my office job.

So…..speaking of my HR world, let me tell you it has been an interesting time in my sphere of influence lately. For a little background info, I’ve been working at my company for almost 9 years now. Next year, I’ll have been here over 9 years and will start to accrue 4 weeks of vacation annually – COLOR ME HAPPY. But it’s certainly no secret to those of you who know me that lately things have been rocky. I’m not going to rehash what you already know, but suffice it to say when you work in HR, going through 6 layoffs in less than two years’ time is rough. Each one does not get easier, instead it gets more personal.
Most of you probably don’t know what I really do every day. Maybe you think perhaps I create iTunes playlists all day (sometimes I do!). But I want to tell you a little about the week I just had. Here are a few things that I’ve dealt with over the past 5 days:

• An employee returning from leave of absence due to a certain addiction this liberal country considers protected under the Americans With Disabilities Act called me because he was had not received his paycheck yet. I had to find out why and deal with his attitude and phone calls every hour.
• Employee returning from Maternity Leave did not provide the documentation we need to accept her back.
• An Employee resigned and we asked him not bother coming back in to work through his notice.
• Another employee resigned. My boss asked me to throw an office party in her honor and order her an engraved memento in gratitude for her years of service.
• 4 female employees started a leave of absence due to various illnesses and causes. I advised several of them about filing for disability.
• My employee on Maternity leave decided she does want to come back to work, so I had to tell her replacement that we would no longer be needing her to work for us anymore. If there’s nothing I hate more, it’s telling someone they are out of a job, even if it only was temporary to begin with.
• I organized and threw the office party for the girl who’s leaving. I created an iTunes playlist of songs (including Oingo Boingo’s ‘Goodbye, Goodbye’) and hooked it to the speakers here at work and played the songs during lunch. She loved the engraved crystal vase I ordered her.
• I advised a manager on how to write-up her employee who yelled at her and was completely insubordinate to her but later apologized and thought that would erase it.
• Advised two managers who found beer in the refrigerator of one of our division sales offices. They now have to issue a warning about violation of our ethics policy.
• Witnessed a violent altercation of words between two co-workers who work next to me. I was so uncomfortable listening to it that I kept my head low and my eyebrows raised. Had to get upper levels of HR involved on this one and the term “hostile work environment” was uttered (by them, not me). I’ve never heard such anger being spewed in an office before, and considering the guy I used to work for that is saying something.
• Spoke with another female employee on leave due to her recent surgery, asking if she can work from home.
• Dealt with two former employees who called me claiming we owe them more money than they were paid out before they left. One lady’s claim to more dough goes back two years. TWO YEARS. Why she waited two years to mention it, I cannot guess.
• Worked with our Worker's Comp Claims adjustor on a file for one of our employees who filed a claim, cannot return to work because she supposedly is in so much pain, yet we discovered through an investigator while she's been off work, she has been going to school to earn her master's degree. Needless to say, this one will be going to arbitration.

It is a week like this that really makes me wish there was a Jim and Pam romance in my life:

Or maybe an opportunity to encase my co-worker’s stapler in Jell-O:

I’d even welcome a Michael-esque team building excursion at this point: But since it is Friday, I’ll settle for a quiet weekend at home working on my scrapbooking at watching reruns of The Office instead.

It's a MAC MAC World

It’s no secret to all you who know me that I have a makeup obsession. It’s gotten worse lately and I felt compelled to blog about it. Maybe it will help purge the need to keep buying eyeshadows, but I doubt it. Here’s a little summary of what I’ve bought lately:

MAC – 3 eyeshadows to add to my collection (see below): Nehru, Newly Minted, and Magnetic Fields and a cheek color called Frankly Scarlet
Benefit – creaseless cream eyeshadow (towne car) and lipstick (make nice)
MAC and Benefit are my two favs. If I could afford it, I’d have more Lancome, too. Even if they are French.


One of my favorite moments ever was when my friend Amberie came to my house and I showed her my bedroom. When she saw my vanity area she said “So this is where the magic happens!”

I am not kidding you when I tell you my dream job is to be a makeup artist, but I am not good enough for that. I love giving makeovers and if I ever have to take a second job to help pay the mortgage my first stop will be either MAC or Sephora.

Below are pictures of some of my favorite makeup looks lately.

Colors used above:
Flammable(MAC paints)
Mulch (MAC shadow)
Benefit's High Brow
and Lancome's Black Coffee

Colors used above: Fashion Show (Lancome)

Mythology (MAC shadow)

Mulch (MAC shadow)
Benefit's High Brow
and Lancome's Black Coffee

MAC Colors Used Abovce: Vanilla, Phloof!, Patina, Jade, Steamy, Plumage

MAC lipstick Dubonnet

This one's from Halloween, it's not my everyday look despite what some of you might say or think!

Back in Black!

OK, Cynthia convinced me that I needed to get back on blogspot, so I have done so. It took me 20 minutes to get past the required google registration (don't ask). Cyn suggested I copy and past the blogs I have written from my verizon website here, so I have done so. They are all copied below. Feel free to comment away!

My Alternative Lifestyle

Monday, June 2, 2008
My sister Cynthia has blogged about Grumpy Old Man from Saturday Night Live before and I liked it. I had a few people ask me the usual pleasantry today of “How was your weekend?” and I actually told most people what I did and what was said, because I feel like Grumpy Old Man when I tell it, and I like it. So read on!

This past Saturday, my great friend Meridith and I went to Candlelight Pavilion, a wonderful little gem of a dinner theatre in nearby Claremont. The show we were seeing was called Kismet, a fun little musical set in ancient Baghdad. We love going to CP because the shows are usually stellar and the food is wonderful. The thing about CP though is that you are seated and eating a meal with virtual strangers. This can be a really cool thing if you’re seated with good people. Or it can be a really bad thing if you’re seated with hideous people. We actually got lucky and were seated with a very nice (if extremely talkative!) couple who were celebrating their 27th wedding anniversary that night. They were friendly and we chatted a lot over our meal. Now if you’re reading this you know me and you know I use endearments a lot when I am speaking to my friends and family. I say things like “my dear” or “sweetie” or “luv”or other nonsense like that. I’m pretty good about curbing it when we’re in public situations like that, though. But I forgot. At one point, Meridith and I were splitting our entrée (so that we could both fully appreciate the menu) and as we were switching it up I said something like “oh just put it there my dear” in a completely blasé tone (there was no hint of sweetness or love in the expression, believe me). Well, I guess they picked up on that and when you add in the fact that we are older females not sporting wedding rings attending a dressy event together and they leaped to the conclusion. How it got mentioned was the husband told his wife she could have the last bite of their salmon mousse appetizer and I said “Now that is love!” and they laughed and then felt the need to in turn comment on Meridith’s and my “love.” Quickly we disabused them of that notion. “Oh no, we don’t swing that way. We’re just best friends, really!” UGH. So now I realize in today’s society I am going to have to face the label of the big L a lot.

So here’s where the Grumpy Old Man in me (uh-oh!, should I risk referring to the “man” in me???) wants to shout out “In my day we wouldn’t look at two women out on the town and think they must be lesbians!!!!” Now I’m a little hyper-paranoid and wonder if my neighbors who don’t know me think the same thing since, after all, I live in my house with another woman. Well ultimately I don’t care and people will think what they will think no matter what and it has no impact on my life whatsoever. But still, it’s a pretty sorry state of affairs when a girl can’t hang out with her female best friend without people thinking there must be something more to their relationship.

TXTESE: Ixnay on the English-hay?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008
When I was growing up, Pig Latin was the exciting way to butcher the English language and still somehow seem like you were talking super sly Spy Speak. I’ll be the first to admit I am not in touch with the youth of America today, but I think I do know enough to be worried about what I am beginning to refer to as “txt-ese.” Txtese is a new form of English being perpetuated by today’s youth who are completely hooked to their cell phones and other text/instant messaging services. I text myself every now and again, and admit to making some of these shortcuts. I can understand making a lot of shortcuts when you’re trying to type a dialogue on tiny cell phone buttons. But what concerns me today (enough to write this blog) is how the “shortcuts” have spilled over from texting on a cell phone into normal correspondence.

I email a lot at work. Right now I am managing two employees. One of my employees is a very young lady recently graduated from High School who sits at the office’s switchboard. This girl is really great. She is helpful, she has a wonderful attitude, she’s reliable, and pleasant. I would not say anything negative about her, except for her communication skills. She rarely talks to me in person or even over the phone. Instead, I get emails from her. Which is fine, but also sometimes just odd because a simple phone call would suffice. But that’s neither here nor there. I want to share with you below some bits that I took directly from her recent emails to me:

Thanks tho cuz I wouldn’t have known……...do you wnt coffee set up……...there are ppl in the conference room right now……...see if we need nething 4 it….…..Have ne thing 4 me to do??..........every other month there is new staff haha well hopefully……..ne ways just let me know as soon as……..I don’t want to all of a sudden b out of a job with out a back up u know…….…Do you have nething 4 me to do?..........I hate to do that to ppl because I knw it’s a burden they have wrk to do too…….…she didn’t knw we even had…….…didn’t knw of a key either…..

I get the NETHING (any thing) a lot from her. It kind of makes me bonkers. I would never send an email to my boss with this kind of grammar, but it’s not a problem for her. I make a lot of allowances for her youth and inexperience but I still have an abiding concern over what this example indicates about her generation’s communication skills and the future of the English language.

On a further note, it’s not just kids who seem to be stunted in communication skills. I think that too many people now rely on text messaging or email to address issues that ought to be addressed personally. A lot of people -- being non-confrontational or out of fear of rejection -- lately seem to reveal all in just that way. For example, the last guy I went out on dates with could only seem to tell me via text message how he felt about me. That’s in part why I told him I didn’t want to continue dating. Technology is great, but I think that with it we are beginning to de-evolve some of the best elements of human behavior. If we continue to interact with each other in such a sterile manner, how will it shape our future?

So to sum up, I’m appealing to all you parents out there – pls mke shr ur kidz knw how to spell OK? Let them know it is okay (and better!) to tell someone you love them to their face, and not just only as a message over the computer or cell phone. Together we can build a better America.



PS – Since probably only my close friends and family are reading this, let me take this opportunity to say I love you!

Life in the 951

Tuesday, March 11, 2008
for Caroline - the other C.A.H.!

OK, I've been thinking about this blog for a long time and I am finally writing it....

Kevin and Bean on Kroq make fun of the 909/951 all the time because we are the boondocks in comparison to the great metropolis of Los Angeles. A lot of what they say is true, a lot is false. It all makes for good comedy so who really cares? Even when that retarded teen soap opera "The OC" showed my home city of Chino as a virtual ghetto infested by drug dealers and unsavory characters, I had to laugh. But I digress.

I was transferred to a different work office last October. The city is called WILDOMAR and the only reason why I even knew it was one of my bosses a long time ago lived in Wildomar. When I started the commute to Wildomar, I found myself perplexed by the names of the freeway exits I kept passing by. Had I suddenly crossed a threshold onto the Twilight Zone of the Wild Wild West somehow???? Here are some of the names of exits I pass every day:

Indian Truck Trail --- I am really waiting for some tribe to take offense to this name and see it changed to "Native Peoples of America Vehicle Trail"

Diamond Drive / Railroad Canyon Road --- whenever I see this one, I think of that runaway locamotive in Back to The Future III. I have no idea why, that is how my brain just works.

Bundy Canyon Road --- There aren't any actual canyons around here, so I don't know why there are so many streets with "canyon" in the name. Surrounding hills and valleys do not a canyon make!

Clinton Keith Road --- this is actually the exit for my office. I feel like there should be a country singer named Clinton Keith. If there was, he would surely be singing with a crazy Tennessee hills twang about how he received a postcard from his spouse the week after she passed away. You know what song I am talking about, right? Stupid country music.

That's just a taste of the wierdness of the names out here. There are other streets I've come across like Winchester Road, Wooden Horse Trail, Coal Road, Horsethief Canyon Road, etc etc etc etc. I feel like I should come to work every day on a horse wearing denim jeans with suede chaps, cowboy boots with spurs, a plaid shirt, a bandana around my neck, a low-slung gunbelt studded around with spare bullets, and a 10-gallon hat.

Allrighty there pardner, that's all I have to say about that.

I Hate Bluetooth

Have I mentioned how much I hate the bluetooth devices people are using for their cell phones now? I am sick and tired of seeing people walking around with these things attached to their ears. 99% of the time they aren’t even being used, so why keep the darned things attached to your ear?? It’s like the bluetooth has become a parasite, and these afflicted people are unable to remove it without it jeopardizingtheir very lives.

Here are my top 5 reasons why I hate the buetooth:

#1 – It looks stupid. Take a look below. How lame-o do these people look?













#2 – It’s ugly. Seeing these is just like seeing a woman walk into any public place with curlers still in her hair. You want to screech at her “Have you no pride??” It's so irritating!

#3 – It’s arrogant. It seems to me to display an abominable sort of conceit and arrogance to walk around with these things attached to your ear. Remember Grumpy Old Man from Saturday Night Live? Remember his voice when he would say “Hey, look at me! I am sliding down a mountain with dead people strapped to my feet!” When I see someone wearing a bluetooth, I feel like they are shouting (in their best Grumpy Old Man Ranting voice): “Hey, look at me! I keep up with technology! I don’t need no fancy hand-held phone. I’m hands-free!”

#4 – It reminds me of Lobot from Star Wars. Remember him? He was Lando Calrissian’s right hand guy. He had this computer thingy in his head (a cyborg implant that wrapped around the back of his head allowing his brain to be connected to a computer, allowing him to communicate directly with Cloud City's central computer core). Take a look. Do you not see the similarities???













Normally anything reminding me of Star Wars makes me happy. But not this. It just ticks me off.

#5 – Seriously, it’s UGLY. These people look like morons!!! And have you noticed that most people who wear the bluetooth are guys and that these guys are usually bald or else have very short hair cut close to the head. Why is that??? Doesn't it almost look like a giant insect is crawling out of your ear? Who wants that? Gross!!!

Grammar Grief

It’s time for another rant, this one about grammar. I am so tiiired of the poor grammar displayed every day in office emails as well as the utter nonsense that spews forth from people’s mouths.

A little background on where the venom is coming from: I never claimed to be smart in math. As a matter of fact, my mathematical skills are barely passable. However, in school I excelled at all things grammatical and English-related. So much so that it became a real source of pride - I had to cling to something, after all, since I am so utterly retarded in math. Anyway, since English became my lifesaver of academic self-esteem, I must tell you that incorrect or poor grammar is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Upon encountering it, my teeth clench, my eyes alternately twitch then wince, and the breath in my lungs escapes from my mouth in a distinctive growl.

Here’s a little sampling of the stuff that drives me nuts…

Homonyms
When will people begin to realize that spellcheck cannot account for homonyms??? To refresh your memory, a homonym is one of two or more words spelled and pronounced alike but are different in meaning. If you need a list, I found an excellent website for that: http://www.cooper.com/alan/homonym_list.html

The biggest offenders? Here they are:

• There, their, and they’re – Admit it, you see this all the time and may even be a perpetrator of something as horrific as ‘Their going to go shopping today.’ Oh, do you mean THEY ARE going?

• Your and You’re – I honestly think this is the most abused. NO ONE bothers with the ‘re anymore. It’s practically an extinct word because most people are too lazy to type it when it is so much easier to just use 'your.'

• To and Too – too is another word on its way out with the dinosaurs, which is a shame because it’s such a fun and pretty word.

• Than and Then – There’s a girl I know who absolutely cannot master the distinction between these two words to save her life. It makes me batty, it truly does. I wish I knew her well enough to pound on her skull when she commits this crime.

Me vs. Myself and I
It’s like a knife stabbing me repeatedly in the eyes when I see or hear “If you have any further questions, you can contact Joe Schmoe or myself.” GAH!!! Why do people do this???? I found a good explanation on English rules.com: The educated classes are so afraid of improperly using "me" in a sentence that they hyper-correct, going into all sorts of contortions to avoid it.

If this is true, then why are smart people so stupid sometimes? The rule of thumb for this one is not so very tricky: Eliminate the other part of the noun phrase and see how it sounds with each pronoun. Does it sound better to say "If you have questions, contact myself." Or is it indeed better to say "If you have questions, contact me." YEAH. It's not rocket science or complex algorithms, here, people...

Again, from englishrules.com, here are a few examples of incorrect first-person pronoun usage:
• Let's keep this little secret between you and I.
• The international community presented Mr. Trimble and myself with a prestigious award for our life-long commitment to saving the muskrat.
• Davis will certainly choose you and I to co-chair the campaign.

All three of the sentences need "me" instead.

Like I’ve said before in other blogs, it’s the petty stuff that really burns me. This is one of them. I wish I could just let it go, but I can’t! Don’t you have grammar pet peeves, too? Tell me and let us commiserate!

Drama! - My Evening with Erasure

Last night was a night of a few firsts for me:
1. First “subway” ride
2. First time at the Ford theatre
3. First time at Hollywood and Highland
4. First time being propositioned (and in Spanish, no less)
5. First time I’ve ever had such good seats at a concert

#1 – I have never been to any major world city, let alone U.S. city to experience this before. However, the city of Los Angeles finally has an underground method of mass transportation. This was my first experience on the metro subway system. While cleaner than I would have expected, the stereotypes of such were nevertheless proved true. Inevitably, we encountered the dregs of society: gangster types, the crazies talking to themselves, the out of control teenagers, and the hideous smells that permeate and pervade mass transit systems.

#2 – I have never been to a concert at the Ford Amphitheatre. Having recently attended concerts held at the Hollywood Bowl and the Greek, I was anticipating a large venue in the out of doors. Not so the case! This place was tiny, and holds slightly more than 1200 seats. It is located in LA (in the hills of Hollywood), not so far away from the Bowl and the Greek, but it is a much more scaled down version. I would love to attend another event there as the location allowed for a greater sense of intimacy and participation. And also it was a beautiful venue!

#3 – Ford only offers stacked parking and I HATE stacked parking. This is the case at the Greek and the Bowl as well. When we were at the Greek, we were unable to get out of the parking lot for quite some time due to the people around us not getting back to their cars in a timely fashion. At the Bowl, the idiot in front of us actually backed in to my car (minimal damage done, thank goodness) while trying some creative maneuvering trying to get out since he did not have the patience to wait for others to get back to their vehicles. So rather than another disastrous experience in stacked parking, we decided to park at the Hollywood and Highland mall and take the subway and bus/shuttle to the Ford. Hollywood and Highland is of course a “famous” intersection where they have now built a mall attached to Graumann’s Chinese Theatre. The trend in CA lately seems to be to build open air malls instead of traditional enclosed malls. And in the cities where land is a commodity, these malls are built in a really weird multi-level, terraced fashion. It’s kind of neat, but sometimes is annoying when you cannot find the store you want. Anyway, we only briefly entered the mall to find a meal and use the facilities before we were off. But I want to back because there is an actual Aveda store there as well as a MAC store. That can only bode well for whatever other retailers are housed within that I don’t yet know about.

#4 – While my sister Patty and I like to joke at calling each other “hooker” or some other similar insult, I’ve never actually been mistaken for a hooker. I don’t honestly think I was mistaken for such last night (in blue jeans, tennis shoes and a T shirt, who would?) but I was propositioned, and in Spanish no less. This happened because I was alone due to the fact that my concert companion, Jill, got suckered in to having her fortune told by one of the teenage ruffians on the subway. This girl was sitting nearby us and started telling us all about how she could see our futures and would tell us our fortune for $10. This is after having learned from her that she is 3rd generation Romanian. Whatever! So I less than politely declined but Jill doesn’t know how to say no sometimes. So she agreed and after we surfaced, the gypsy told me she needed privacy for the reading. So I walked away and sat on the bottom steps of the Hollywood and Highland mall (this was a little after 11 p.m.). People were still walking out of the mall (this area is high traffic) and a couple of guys came down the section of stairs I was sitting on and just stared at me. So I stared back. Rude is rude and I was going to reciprocate. So then one of the guys says “Hey baby” (blech, ew, gross) and continues walking. I rolled my eyes at him and glared as I don’t know why some guys are stupid enough to think a woman will be titillated or encouraged by such rude twaddle. He kept walking away, but was doing so backwards so that he could continue staring and shouting at me because now he was just being nasty in an effort to be sinister and punishing. He quickly switched from English and began making offers in Spanish. The further he got away, the harder it was for me to understand, but I can confidently say I got the gist. Thanks, Jill, for leaving me alone while the gypsy “cleansed your damaged aura” and promised to light a candle for you for 9 days.

#5 – It was a stroke of pure luck that I was even able to obtain tickets since the number was so limited, but I wish blessings for the Ticketmaster Operator who obtained this for me when I called a few months ago. We were in the second row, dead center of the stage. Andy was less than 6 feet directly in front of me nearly the entire time. The people in the front rows seats directly in front of us never showed up, so my view was unimpaired! My eyes locked with Andy numerous times throughout the evening and I could not help but be thrilled.

The music was fantastic. It was acoustic-style, which really allowed for the purity of the vocals and lyrics to shine. I had a fair amount of trepidation about the remake of their best songs and how they would be presented (after all, Erasure is self-proclaimed Electronica in nature). Now I think this is something every talented musical ensemble should offer to their fans. WOW. The voice of Andy Bell really is an instrument and he knows how to use it. I’ve always appreciated the lyrics and I think Vince’s gift as a songwriter is in imagery and poetry. I’m certainly not trying to wax poetic myself because after all, it was just a concert! But I really had a wonderful evening because of the beauty of the music. I love music and Erasure has been at the top of my favorites since I was 13 years old.

A little about the concert… first of all, it was way too short. Having recently seen Depeche Mode I was disappointed that Erasure did not sing longer. I guess you are limited when an electronic band goes acoustical because they probably had very few arrangements to even present. But still!! They started around 8:30 pm and were done well before 11 pm. They sang nearly all of the songs on the Union Street album and sang GREAT arrangements on some of their best loved songs and hits (Like Chains of Love, Breathe, Blue Savannah, etc.). Andy was true to form and danced around and shimmied and shook and entertained. Of course, an Erasure concert in Hollywood meant that Jill and I were among VERY few in the audience who were heterosexual. The crowd was subdued for the most part and it wasn’t until the end when we finally leapt to our feet and danced, clapped, swayed, and moved to the beat that it really became lively. My favorite moment was when Andy (accompanied only by the guitar) got on his knees to sing ‘How Many Times?’. My favorite outfit was the VERY middle-aged Billy Idol look-alike who came in his leather pants, dress shirt, and red velvet jacket. My favorite song was the Salsa-like rendition of Blue Savannah.

I Wonder as I Wander

I was inspired by Cynthia’s blog “Things in life that confuse me.” I honestly wish I could consider the things listed below a conundrum. Instead, they mostly just piss me off. I don’t know why I get so easily irritated about so many petty things, but I do!

Did you see that Seinfeld episode where… I really have a new appreciation for Seinfeld episodes now that I have been working in my current job for over 6 years. This office is one giant Seinfeld episode. Remember when Elaine was sick of the cake celebrations going on in the office and was shunned from the gatherings after losing her cool at one? She was forced to then eat Mr. Peterman’s super old antique wedding cake he paid millions for. I will testify to the truthfulness of that episode. There is indeed an office “sugar fix” that attacks not too long after 3 p.m. Like Elaine, I want to cry out to stop the madness, for the love of Sam!!!! But secretly I know I will need the sugar someday and can’t afford to offend…

Here’s one thing that lately has really frayed my last ever-loving nerve: People who verbally announce “knock-knock” as they are knocking on my office door and standing in the doorway. Is it not enough that you’re actually wrapping on my door? You actually have to provide the onomatopoeia as well? I’m not deaf, dumb, blind or stupid. I can see you standing in my doorway! One of these days I WILL get smarty and answer back “Who’s there” when I get the knock-knock. Because it’s just a joke anymore.

To piggyback onto that, I am sick of people who announce “Sorry to interrupt your lunch” as they walk into my office for some lengthy request and see me sitting here eating my food. My office has a big glass wall, not to mention an open door. You can clearly see me eating when you walk up. If you were that sorry, you’d just keep on walking and come back later.

Here’s another office annoyance: writing “Please advise” in any and all office correspondence (emails, memos, and the like). That’s just a diplomatic way of saying “Get me an answer now, dammit!” and we all know it. I’m ashamed of myself when I find my fingers tapping out that phrase. I’m a victim, not a perpetrator, I swear!!

Kleenex and stuffed animals in the rear dash of a car. Most of the time, we don’t have passengers in the back seat of our vehicles. 99% of the time when I see this, the person is alone in their car. When you start sneezing in the driver’s seat, how on earth do you expect to reach back there and grab a Kleenex? Unless you are Inspector Gadget and can Go-Go-Gadget your arm back there, you’re not getting a Kleenex any time soon. WHY DO PEOPLE PUT KLEENEX BOXES BACK THERE???

By the same token, I am SICK of seeing stuffed animals and bobble heads staring out at me from the back windshield of vehicles. Some people seriously have a Zoo going on back there. These pathetic sun-bleached animals do nothing to enhance the look of your automobiles, people. Why do they do this?

‘Tis the season for me to again scratch my head about blue Christmas lights. I don’t understand this at all. Where do people buy these strands of lights? I’ve never seen them sold in the stores. I see it more and more lately – a house fully lit in blue twinkle lights. They’re starting to put it on their bushes and trees now, too. I can only suppose they could be Jewish and want to show their Chanukah/Hanukah spirit. But I remember the Black family who lived down the street (that’s their last name and believe me these people are as white as white people get) used to do all blue lights and they were (are?) VERY strongly Christian. So there went that theory. And so I continue to scratch my head.

Animal lovers – Beyond the few pet dogs we had as kids, I’ve never much been around animals. The older I get the more I feel like I hate animals. I just don’t like them. They’re messy and germy and a lot of work. I know they give unconditional love, blah blah blah. It still does nothing for me. My beloved co-worker throws birthday parties for her dogs and picks them up a cake from the pet bakery. She dresses them up for Halloween and buys them Christmas presents and fills stockings for them. Whatever! I just don’t get that. How is it that people can refer to their pets as their ‘children’??

Here’s an example of something that TRULY confounds me about animal lovers: we’re currently having a rodent problem at work. There are mice running around and eating the foods and candy people hoard at their desks (blessedly, I seem to be immune from this at the moment). We complained to property management and they sent an “exterminator” who went around laying out glue traps with rat poison stuck to it. He warned us it would take awhile for the mouse to die and we could be hearing their cries. UGH!!!! Anyway, sure enough, this morning an employee found a stuck mouse in the kitchen and ran screaming for the hills. My amazing boss “took care” of the issue by managing to get the thing in the trash, though cringing and quaking all the way. She’s been relating the story to us due to the grisly and colored reactions we are all providing. Apparently our copier repairman heard the story and was so moved he had to go find the trashcan, remove the mouse, gently pry it from the glue, wash the glue off its little body, wrap it in a blanket, put it in his car, then drive it over to the vet to have it looked at because it was crying.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not relating this story to in any way make light of this man’s compassion. Most animal lovers of this magnitude are so extremely selfless it is a mystery to me, a wholly selfish person. I just don’t know the how the stirrings of love and sympathy for animals are generated within people to these heightened degrees since they’re dead inside of me.

Looking back on this blog, I think I am coming across as a cruel and spiteful harpie. But come on, don’t you wonder about some of these things too???

O The Humanity!

I don’t know if all little girls do this, but when I was young, I used to dream about the beautiful names I would choose for my future offspring. I had it all pared down to a science; I was going to name my kids after famous cities: London, Sydney, Rome, Paris (this was well before that ho achieved notoriety)…

Yes, I was a foolish child. But I can happily report that I am no longer clinging to that delusion. Sadly, though, I believe many people out there are deluded when it comes to putting a name on the birth certificate. Have you noticed the alarming trend seemingly in vogue now wherein people are desperate to find a unique name or spelling for their new baby? It sickens me. Here are some examples of how some parents have just screwed it up for their kids to be tortured for life:

•Delayknee (Delaney)
I kid you not, this is true. My friend’s mom is a teacher and this was the name of one of her students. What’s next people, Brittknee?

•Jaxson (Jackson)
My good friend Lisa used this one. She’s a great, great person, but come on with this!!!

•Izayah (Isaiah)
This is the name of Lisa’s new nephew. I wonder how many times this poor boy will get beat up on the play ground.

•Kimaine
This is one of my all time favorite stories. My pal Jill worked with a lady named Kia who was married to Tremaine. They wanted their baby to be named after them so they kind of cut and pasted. That’s fantastic! Sheer genius.

I know you know some worse cases. Please comment on this blog, let’s have fun making fun of these jackanapes!!!

Depressed Mode

To piggy back off of my last blog about my musical predilections, I lovingly ruminate over one of my favorite bands of all time: Depeche Mode…

My brother Mike has coined sarcastic terms for everything – from things like “Lord of the Onion Rings” to “Pic’n’Slave.” His crowning achievement was when he starting tormenting me and Patty for listening to “depressed mode.” Now granted, I have already admitted to listening to depressing music in my teens, but Depeche Mode compared to the Smiths are a barrel of monkeys. I think, however, that as they now honestly qualify to be called Aging Rockers, depression is setting in with them more seriously than ever before.

I realized this in part due to the release of the new Depeche Mode album entitled Playing the Angel. It’s a bit of downer. I should have realized this when I picked up the CD and on the back was written “pain and suffering in various tempos,” but, alas, the light just did not click on in my head.

Perhaps I could have been clued in by the track listing, which includes songs such as:

• a pain that I’m used to
(it’s not a commentary on impending rheumatoid arthritis for these Aging Rockers, don’t be fooled.)

• suffer well
(Can you just hear Sylvester crying out “sufferin’ succotash”? Now there was a character who suffered well!)

• damaged people
(an uplifting tune for sure. But Morrissey was first in line when he started singing about ugly monsters in wheelchairs. That’s what I call damaged.)

But it wasn’t until I LISTENED to this album that I realized it is dismal. Let’s take a look at the lyrics, shall we? Let’s see if you agree with me that they are regressing a bit from the light side of the force to the dark side of the force:

• I’m harder to console…there’s a hole in your soul…just give me a pain that I’m used to. (A Pain That I’m Used To)

• Something’s changed. It’s in your eyes – Please don’t speak; you’ll only lie...Just hang on, suffer well. (Suffer Well)

• I’m still recovering, still getting over all the suffering. (The Sinner In Me)

• Angels with silver wings shouldn’t know suffering…words left unspoken left us so brittle there was so little left to give. (Precious)

• Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I die, it’s true. Somewhere I’ll find something that’s kind in you. (I Want It All)

• And I lose control, I forget I’m old and dying. (Damaged People)

• Pain and misery always hit the spot. (Lilian)

I don’t think I’ve seen the word “suffer” used so much in so many songs on one single album. WOW. Aging sucks. I’ll be 29 in a few months and my first bodily pains have manifest themselves in the form of knee creaks and cracks. Maybe the more I listen to Depeche Mode the more I will be at peace with my pain and suffering?

The thought of all this harmony awaiting me is making me giddy. I’m going to go hear the guys play LIVE tonight at the Staples Center. They are touring, you know. According to their website, it’s “pain and suffering in various U.S. cities”. Count me in, boys!!!