I Wonder as I Wander

I was inspired by Cynthia’s blog “Things in life that confuse me.” I honestly wish I could consider the things listed below a conundrum. Instead, they mostly just piss me off. I don’t know why I get so easily irritated about so many petty things, but I do!

Did you see that Seinfeld episode where… I really have a new appreciation for Seinfeld episodes now that I have been working in my current job for over 6 years. This office is one giant Seinfeld episode. Remember when Elaine was sick of the cake celebrations going on in the office and was shunned from the gatherings after losing her cool at one? She was forced to then eat Mr. Peterman’s super old antique wedding cake he paid millions for. I will testify to the truthfulness of that episode. There is indeed an office “sugar fix” that attacks not too long after 3 p.m. Like Elaine, I want to cry out to stop the madness, for the love of Sam!!!! But secretly I know I will need the sugar someday and can’t afford to offend…

Here’s one thing that lately has really frayed my last ever-loving nerve: People who verbally announce “knock-knock” as they are knocking on my office door and standing in the doorway. Is it not enough that you’re actually wrapping on my door? You actually have to provide the onomatopoeia as well? I’m not deaf, dumb, blind or stupid. I can see you standing in my doorway! One of these days I WILL get smarty and answer back “Who’s there” when I get the knock-knock. Because it’s just a joke anymore.

To piggyback onto that, I am sick of people who announce “Sorry to interrupt your lunch” as they walk into my office for some lengthy request and see me sitting here eating my food. My office has a big glass wall, not to mention an open door. You can clearly see me eating when you walk up. If you were that sorry, you’d just keep on walking and come back later.

Here’s another office annoyance: writing “Please advise” in any and all office correspondence (emails, memos, and the like). That’s just a diplomatic way of saying “Get me an answer now, dammit!” and we all know it. I’m ashamed of myself when I find my fingers tapping out that phrase. I’m a victim, not a perpetrator, I swear!!

Kleenex and stuffed animals in the rear dash of a car. Most of the time, we don’t have passengers in the back seat of our vehicles. 99% of the time when I see this, the person is alone in their car. When you start sneezing in the driver’s seat, how on earth do you expect to reach back there and grab a Kleenex? Unless you are Inspector Gadget and can Go-Go-Gadget your arm back there, you’re not getting a Kleenex any time soon. WHY DO PEOPLE PUT KLEENEX BOXES BACK THERE???

By the same token, I am SICK of seeing stuffed animals and bobble heads staring out at me from the back windshield of vehicles. Some people seriously have a Zoo going on back there. These pathetic sun-bleached animals do nothing to enhance the look of your automobiles, people. Why do they do this?

‘Tis the season for me to again scratch my head about blue Christmas lights. I don’t understand this at all. Where do people buy these strands of lights? I’ve never seen them sold in the stores. I see it more and more lately – a house fully lit in blue twinkle lights. They’re starting to put it on their bushes and trees now, too. I can only suppose they could be Jewish and want to show their Chanukah/Hanukah spirit. But I remember the Black family who lived down the street (that’s their last name and believe me these people are as white as white people get) used to do all blue lights and they were (are?) VERY strongly Christian. So there went that theory. And so I continue to scratch my head.

Animal lovers – Beyond the few pet dogs we had as kids, I’ve never much been around animals. The older I get the more I feel like I hate animals. I just don’t like them. They’re messy and germy and a lot of work. I know they give unconditional love, blah blah blah. It still does nothing for me. My beloved co-worker throws birthday parties for her dogs and picks them up a cake from the pet bakery. She dresses them up for Halloween and buys them Christmas presents and fills stockings for them. Whatever! I just don’t get that. How is it that people can refer to their pets as their ‘children’??

Here’s an example of something that TRULY confounds me about animal lovers: we’re currently having a rodent problem at work. There are mice running around and eating the foods and candy people hoard at their desks (blessedly, I seem to be immune from this at the moment). We complained to property management and they sent an “exterminator” who went around laying out glue traps with rat poison stuck to it. He warned us it would take awhile for the mouse to die and we could be hearing their cries. UGH!!!! Anyway, sure enough, this morning an employee found a stuck mouse in the kitchen and ran screaming for the hills. My amazing boss “took care” of the issue by managing to get the thing in the trash, though cringing and quaking all the way. She’s been relating the story to us due to the grisly and colored reactions we are all providing. Apparently our copier repairman heard the story and was so moved he had to go find the trashcan, remove the mouse, gently pry it from the glue, wash the glue off its little body, wrap it in a blanket, put it in his car, then drive it over to the vet to have it looked at because it was crying.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not relating this story to in any way make light of this man’s compassion. Most animal lovers of this magnitude are so extremely selfless it is a mystery to me, a wholly selfish person. I just don’t know the how the stirrings of love and sympathy for animals are generated within people to these heightened degrees since they’re dead inside of me.

Looking back on this blog, I think I am coming across as a cruel and spiteful harpie. But come on, don’t you wonder about some of these things too???