I Wonder as I Wander

I was inspired by Cynthia’s blog “Things in life that confuse me.” I honestly wish I could consider the things listed below a conundrum. Instead, they mostly just piss me off. I don’t know why I get so easily irritated about so many petty things, but I do!

Did you see that Seinfeld episode where… I really have a new appreciation for Seinfeld episodes now that I have been working in my current job for over 6 years. This office is one giant Seinfeld episode. Remember when Elaine was sick of the cake celebrations going on in the office and was shunned from the gatherings after losing her cool at one? She was forced to then eat Mr. Peterman’s super old antique wedding cake he paid millions for. I will testify to the truthfulness of that episode. There is indeed an office “sugar fix” that attacks not too long after 3 p.m. Like Elaine, I want to cry out to stop the madness, for the love of Sam!!!! But secretly I know I will need the sugar someday and can’t afford to offend…

Here’s one thing that lately has really frayed my last ever-loving nerve: People who verbally announce “knock-knock” as they are knocking on my office door and standing in the doorway. Is it not enough that you’re actually wrapping on my door? You actually have to provide the onomatopoeia as well? I’m not deaf, dumb, blind or stupid. I can see you standing in my doorway! One of these days I WILL get smarty and answer back “Who’s there” when I get the knock-knock. Because it’s just a joke anymore.

To piggyback onto that, I am sick of people who announce “Sorry to interrupt your lunch” as they walk into my office for some lengthy request and see me sitting here eating my food. My office has a big glass wall, not to mention an open door. You can clearly see me eating when you walk up. If you were that sorry, you’d just keep on walking and come back later.

Here’s another office annoyance: writing “Please advise” in any and all office correspondence (emails, memos, and the like). That’s just a diplomatic way of saying “Get me an answer now, dammit!” and we all know it. I’m ashamed of myself when I find my fingers tapping out that phrase. I’m a victim, not a perpetrator, I swear!!

Kleenex and stuffed animals in the rear dash of a car. Most of the time, we don’t have passengers in the back seat of our vehicles. 99% of the time when I see this, the person is alone in their car. When you start sneezing in the driver’s seat, how on earth do you expect to reach back there and grab a Kleenex? Unless you are Inspector Gadget and can Go-Go-Gadget your arm back there, you’re not getting a Kleenex any time soon. WHY DO PEOPLE PUT KLEENEX BOXES BACK THERE???

By the same token, I am SICK of seeing stuffed animals and bobble heads staring out at me from the back windshield of vehicles. Some people seriously have a Zoo going on back there. These pathetic sun-bleached animals do nothing to enhance the look of your automobiles, people. Why do they do this?

‘Tis the season for me to again scratch my head about blue Christmas lights. I don’t understand this at all. Where do people buy these strands of lights? I’ve never seen them sold in the stores. I see it more and more lately – a house fully lit in blue twinkle lights. They’re starting to put it on their bushes and trees now, too. I can only suppose they could be Jewish and want to show their Chanukah/Hanukah spirit. But I remember the Black family who lived down the street (that’s their last name and believe me these people are as white as white people get) used to do all blue lights and they were (are?) VERY strongly Christian. So there went that theory. And so I continue to scratch my head.

Animal lovers – Beyond the few pet dogs we had as kids, I’ve never much been around animals. The older I get the more I feel like I hate animals. I just don’t like them. They’re messy and germy and a lot of work. I know they give unconditional love, blah blah blah. It still does nothing for me. My beloved co-worker throws birthday parties for her dogs and picks them up a cake from the pet bakery. She dresses them up for Halloween and buys them Christmas presents and fills stockings for them. Whatever! I just don’t get that. How is it that people can refer to their pets as their ‘children’??

Here’s an example of something that TRULY confounds me about animal lovers: we’re currently having a rodent problem at work. There are mice running around and eating the foods and candy people hoard at their desks (blessedly, I seem to be immune from this at the moment). We complained to property management and they sent an “exterminator” who went around laying out glue traps with rat poison stuck to it. He warned us it would take awhile for the mouse to die and we could be hearing their cries. UGH!!!! Anyway, sure enough, this morning an employee found a stuck mouse in the kitchen and ran screaming for the hills. My amazing boss “took care” of the issue by managing to get the thing in the trash, though cringing and quaking all the way. She’s been relating the story to us due to the grisly and colored reactions we are all providing. Apparently our copier repairman heard the story and was so moved he had to go find the trashcan, remove the mouse, gently pry it from the glue, wash the glue off its little body, wrap it in a blanket, put it in his car, then drive it over to the vet to have it looked at because it was crying.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not relating this story to in any way make light of this man’s compassion. Most animal lovers of this magnitude are so extremely selfless it is a mystery to me, a wholly selfish person. I just don’t know the how the stirrings of love and sympathy for animals are generated within people to these heightened degrees since they’re dead inside of me.

Looking back on this blog, I think I am coming across as a cruel and spiteful harpie. But come on, don’t you wonder about some of these things too???

O The Humanity!

I don’t know if all little girls do this, but when I was young, I used to dream about the beautiful names I would choose for my future offspring. I had it all pared down to a science; I was going to name my kids after famous cities: London, Sydney, Rome, Paris (this was well before that ho achieved notoriety)…

Yes, I was a foolish child. But I can happily report that I am no longer clinging to that delusion. Sadly, though, I believe many people out there are deluded when it comes to putting a name on the birth certificate. Have you noticed the alarming trend seemingly in vogue now wherein people are desperate to find a unique name or spelling for their new baby? It sickens me. Here are some examples of how some parents have just screwed it up for their kids to be tortured for life:

•Delayknee (Delaney)
I kid you not, this is true. My friend’s mom is a teacher and this was the name of one of her students. What’s next people, Brittknee?

•Jaxson (Jackson)
My good friend Lisa used this one. She’s a great, great person, but come on with this!!!

•Izayah (Isaiah)
This is the name of Lisa’s new nephew. I wonder how many times this poor boy will get beat up on the play ground.

•Kimaine
This is one of my all time favorite stories. My pal Jill worked with a lady named Kia who was married to Tremaine. They wanted their baby to be named after them so they kind of cut and pasted. That’s fantastic! Sheer genius.

I know you know some worse cases. Please comment on this blog, let’s have fun making fun of these jackanapes!!!

Depressed Mode

To piggy back off of my last blog about my musical predilections, I lovingly ruminate over one of my favorite bands of all time: Depeche Mode…

My brother Mike has coined sarcastic terms for everything – from things like “Lord of the Onion Rings” to “Pic’n’Slave.” His crowning achievement was when he starting tormenting me and Patty for listening to “depressed mode.” Now granted, I have already admitted to listening to depressing music in my teens, but Depeche Mode compared to the Smiths are a barrel of monkeys. I think, however, that as they now honestly qualify to be called Aging Rockers, depression is setting in with them more seriously than ever before.

I realized this in part due to the release of the new Depeche Mode album entitled Playing the Angel. It’s a bit of downer. I should have realized this when I picked up the CD and on the back was written “pain and suffering in various tempos,” but, alas, the light just did not click on in my head.

Perhaps I could have been clued in by the track listing, which includes songs such as:

• a pain that I’m used to
(it’s not a commentary on impending rheumatoid arthritis for these Aging Rockers, don’t be fooled.)

• suffer well
(Can you just hear Sylvester crying out “sufferin’ succotash”? Now there was a character who suffered well!)

• damaged people
(an uplifting tune for sure. But Morrissey was first in line when he started singing about ugly monsters in wheelchairs. That’s what I call damaged.)

But it wasn’t until I LISTENED to this album that I realized it is dismal. Let’s take a look at the lyrics, shall we? Let’s see if you agree with me that they are regressing a bit from the light side of the force to the dark side of the force:

• I’m harder to console…there’s a hole in your soul…just give me a pain that I’m used to. (A Pain That I’m Used To)

• Something’s changed. It’s in your eyes – Please don’t speak; you’ll only lie...Just hang on, suffer well. (Suffer Well)

• I’m still recovering, still getting over all the suffering. (The Sinner In Me)

• Angels with silver wings shouldn’t know suffering…words left unspoken left us so brittle there was so little left to give. (Precious)

• Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I die, it’s true. Somewhere I’ll find something that’s kind in you. (I Want It All)

• And I lose control, I forget I’m old and dying. (Damaged People)

• Pain and misery always hit the spot. (Lilian)

I don’t think I’ve seen the word “suffer” used so much in so many songs on one single album. WOW. Aging sucks. I’ll be 29 in a few months and my first bodily pains have manifest themselves in the form of knee creaks and cracks. Maybe the more I listen to Depeche Mode the more I will be at peace with my pain and suffering?

The thought of all this harmony awaiting me is making me giddy. I’m going to go hear the guys play LIVE tonight at the Staples Center. They are touring, you know. According to their website, it’s “pain and suffering in various U.S. cities”. Count me in, boys!!!

The Agony and the Ecstasy

Due in large part to the musical stylings of Morrissey and Robert Smith, I spent my early teenage years in a constant state of angst. Like most teenagers, I worshipped the idol of music. So much so that I even deigned to dress in a manner that indicated my musical preference. Today we call those losers Goths, but back then the affectionate term was Groovy Ghoulie and I was a wannabe one of them. I was never really fully integrated in the cool group of Goths at school because I was too intimidated by them. That and I didn’t drink or smoke like they did. I think Adam Ant wrote a song about me.

But I digress from my point, which happens to be how did I manage to become a part of normal society after subjecting myself to constant hours of melodious maladjustment? Indulge me a bit as I delve into a musical foray on what I consider to be the top 10 delights of the most happily depressing music of my generation:

1. anti-suicide songs: I used to be queen of the mixtape. At one point I even toyed with the idea of making a “suicide songs” mix tape. I had plenty of material to choose from. Among the front runners where REM’s ‘Everybody Hurts’ and Oingo Boingo’s ‘Out of Control.’

2. Erasure, Crown of Thorns: “Fire of the sun, flowers crumble into dust – the seed shells scatter and die... light in her eyes pour black in their lives, we gather ‘round the funeral pyre….scorn in their eyes, her back to their cries, we spit upon the life that never was.” I get all achy to visit England when I hear this song for all the lovely imagery it conjures up of Erasure’s mother country.

3. Morrissey, November Spawned A Monster: “Poor twisted child, so ugly – so ugly. One November spawned a monster in the shape of this child who must remain a hostage to kindness and the wheels underneath her...” If I were a disabled person of the world, I would join a united front in protest against this song. Twisted and ugly indeed!

4. U2, Sunday Bloody Sunday: “broken bottles under children’s feet, bodies strewn across the dead-end street.” Hey, let’s all book a flight to Belfast!!! U2 are the poster boys for Irish tourism if ever I saw any. Even Erasure can’t instigate the desire to hop a flight like these boys can.

5. Depeche Mode, Fly on the Windscreen: “Death is everywhere. There are flies on the windscreen, for a start, reminding us we could be torn apart tonight. Death is everywhere, there are lambs for the slaughter waiting to die…” I think DM took a cue from the Smith’s ‘Meat is Murder’ when they penned that line. Plagiarism is an ugly thing, boys.

6. The Cure, How beautiful you are: “You want to know why I hate you, well I'll try and explain... And this is why I hate you and how I understand that no-one ever knows or loves another.” Is this is commentary on why I’m still single?

7. The Cure, The Kiss: “I never wanted this; I never wanted any of this. I wish you were dead, I wish you were dead.” I think Hallmark has a product line entitled “Simply Stated.” They should secure the rights to these lyrics and mass produce a card with these sweet sentiments.

8. the Smiths, There Is A Light That Never Goes Out: “If a double decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die. If a ten ton truck kills the both of us, to die by your side, well the pleasure the privilege is mine.” Pleasant thoughts, are they not? Who doesn’t want to kick the bucket as human road kill with the one they love most?

9. The Smiths, How Soon is Now: “You shut your mouth how can you say I go about things the wrong way? I am Human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does. There's a club - if you like to go you could meet somebody who really loves you. So you go, and you stand on your own and you leave on your own and you go home, and you cry and you want to die.” Strictly speaking, I’d rather be a wallflower in a club than be slipped a roofie and taken advantage of in some horrible way. But my philosophy has always been I will never meet the love of my life while dancing. So it’s my mission to shun clubs and church dances alike anyway.

10. The Smiths, Asleep: “Sing to me, sing to me…I don't want to wake up on my own anymore. Don't feel bad for me. I want you to know deep in the cell of my heart I really want to go. There is another world. There is a better world. Well, there must be…Well, there must be. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye...” Don’t confuse this with #1 which is ANTI- suicide songs, oh no. Even Shakespeare could not have written it better, methinks. Ever the philanthropist, my friend Steven Patrick Morrissey seems to be a proponent of “the undiscovered country” in this song.

With songs like ‘Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me’ and ‘Girlfriend In A Coma,’ I suppose I could have used the entire top 10 list for only songs by the Smiths, but I had to splice in a few other artists for variety’s sake.

So I ask again – am I a normally adjusted human being, relatively speaking, after all of this musical wonderment? Because despite all of this, I still love each and every one of these songs and will listen to them every chance I get. However, instead of lying on my bunk bed with tears streaming down my face as I did in the late 80’s/early 90’s, now when I listen I get a pep in my step and a grin on my face at the resurgence of great memories and nostalgia that flood my innards. Good times, good times…

In Loving Memory

In loving memory of.....In recent years I have noticed a LOT of stickers and slogans pasted on the back windshields of cars. As a teenager, I myself was part of that practice, having multiple stickers plastered all over the back of my silver Ford Probe: Depeche Mode, Social Distortion, the Specials, and KROQ stickers alike. Now that I am older and more “mature” I just don’t see the point in putting a white sticker of Calvin relieving himself onto the symbol of anything I detest. And having Calvin kneeling in front of a cross praying does nothing to stir a religious beat in my heart. Yes, I know God is Awesome. I know that if life is short and we ought to pray hard. I know that real men love Jesus, but can fake men really love anything? It almost negates the theory… But despite all this, the one thing that truly perplexes me is why people feel the need to dedicate their cars in loving memory of some dearly departed soul. You know what I am talking about, don’t you? For example, today at the freeway off ramp waiting for a green light this morning I noticed the Toyota Highlander in front of me had it written all over their back windshield: In Loving Memory of Johnny 1974-2004. Now, I don’t know about you but when I pass on I’d hate to think that my legacy left on earth exists in the form of a gas guzzling, taupe SUV. If I die sometime soon, will the life insurance money currently bequeathed to my parents go to purchase the Ford F350 diesel engine truck my dad is salivating over? If so, would he feel honor bound to make sure the driving world at large knew this big-a truck is in loving memory of his dead daughter? I somehow doubt that he’d be driving that thing around the mountains thinking of it as a tribute to me anyway. I see this all the time and it makes me crazy. I’m not a callous and uncharitable person, I think, but I really don’t give a crap that you’ve dedicated your vehicle to someone six feet under. Whatever happened to dedicating benches in lovely parks and museums to our beloved deceased? How have we moved from dedicating scholarships and hospital wings to motor vehicles? It’s a modern travesty, in my opinion. And don’t get me started on a laser cut sticker of the Virgin Mary guarding over your trunk and bumper…